Starting At The Finish Line

I always try to write a journal but give up. I just lose interest in it. So here I am, with my first blog! Wish me luck!!!

 I will be the first to admit, i fucked up my adulthood. My childhood was pretty much demolished by my parents own insecurities and selfishness.  How did i know how to be an adult without adult role models to guide the way? It was a tough lesson learned. Now the thing that worries me the most: What the hell is going to happen in my 30s? I have about 3 years to fix the last 27 years of my life.  Talk about crunch time. Ok, so everyday of every year wasnt horrible. There were great times sporadically placed over the years.  Every life is a journey. We all have our different paths to take. Some of those paths are paved with gold, smoothed out and compared to a stroll in the park. While, my  paths are broken up roads lined with debris, boulders and stones. Unfortunately I chose to wear heels.

There is a connection between our early family dynamics and experiences and our current attitudes and decisions. Without a doubt parenting is the most important element in shaping  the person you become. If your parents consistently parent poorly you will develop some problems on your way to and in adulthood. They have to mess up not once or twice but repeatedly to lay the base for possible future trouble.  Just as it takes time and perseverance to each good values and morals. It takes time to each bad ones. mistakes made by parents who love and discipline their children will not ruin a child’s life. neglect, abuse (physical and emotional) and other poor parenting mistakes will in most cases be cared over to adult hood. It’s a matter of learning how to cope as one of those children for each of us.

I have forgiven my parents, my teachers and every other adult that came across the adolescent me. They had a option to help mold me into someone of greatness. They choose not to. They chose to do their own thing with life. I have excused their shortcomings as decent role models. Being an adult isnt as easy as it seems when you’re a child. You get to buy beer, rent rated X movies, swear, sleep when you want and eat cake and ice cream for breakfast. Theres another side we dont see as children, bills, you have to feed yourself and sometimes others, health insurance and more bills. I understand how a child can be over looked. 

 It is a bit tragic through all this growing ive down that they are still ignorant to the fact. I feel I have put in valid effort to provide situations to reconnect and create a bond.  I have  open doors that were long been closed, i let my guard down a time or two only to be re hurt by the same adults that hurt me as a child. I dont know what pain is worse.  I do not feel like a daughter to my parents.  I still do not have any role models to guide my through life.  I may had help being taught how to walk as a baby, but now, im walking alone. When i fall, i fall. There is no one there to catch me, help me balance or help me up. I am walking this walk ( in my stilettos) and im walking it alone. Ive accepted life for what it is today, not what it was yesterday.  And this new friends, current friends and people from my past… this is my journey.

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